expired

what does the title of this blog post means?

expired.

 everything has it's expiry date.

food, drinks, vouchers, & also, love.

love do have a expiry date, just like how we humans have a expiry date too, which is when we are going to leave this world.

not all relationships are able to last forever. some may last for a week, a month, a year, or even a few years. it really depends.

you wont be able to predict when is your other half going to leave, or what are some of the problems you will face during the relationship.

a relationship takes 2 hands to clap, & it can never work out when one  put in way more effort than the other one.

to be honest, this is the longest relationship I've been in, & it's one that i will never forget.


we don't go out on dates like every couples do, & we don't spend much time together throughout this 3 years.

we got together on 23 sept 2012 & we spend time folding 1000 stars within 2 months together. even though sometime i can only spend 1-2 hours with him, it can make my day.

things started to get shitty in 2013 & we spend lesser time together, & problems starts coming in.

we eventually broke up on 14 oct 2013.

i was extremely upset over the break up.

crying for hours in the toilet & self harming eventually became a daily routine for me.

it was terrible.

he texted me 2 months later after the break up, & we got back together unofficially, as underground relationship.

we didn't communicate despite seeing each other in school, & we are not allowed to go out together (to refrain others from seeing us tgt)

i left him around june 2014, & we lost contact as i got into a relationship, which didn't lasted.

earlier this year, he contacted me again & i can't help it but to meet up with him.

we started off again.

we dont contact everyday & i kept finding various reasons in order to start a conversation with him.

i expected things to turn out better after o levels, but it didn't.

feelings may have faded, & he's unsure about his feelings towards me.

it hurts.

i keep telling myself "never ever again" but i still find myself in the same situations feeling even worse than i did the first time around.

no matter how many times i promised myself not to return back to him, i cant.

i cant help it.

i loved him.

No matter how hard i tried in order to salvage this relationship, time proved everything.

Everything is suppose to end 2 years back, & it is not suppose to be continued.

you get my hopes high, & then you leave me hanging, thinking ''was i not good enough?''

i'm sorry for not being what you wanted.

whats your ideal type of girl?
what am i lacking?

tell me, will you?

im thankful that even after we broke up constantly, you didn't move on finding for someone new, & you stayed throughout.

but why are you not putting in the effort to show it?

what am i to you?

the person you love?

or i'm just a spare tyre that is always there for you when you needed someone?

there's so many things i wanted to ask you & so many things to tell you.

''I know that one day i will be able to forget about how you said my name & what it felt like to hold your hand, but right now it just hurts so bad & i would do anything to hear you say my name for one last time''

well, i'm not sure if i should hold on, or let go.
isn't stupid to hold onto something that keeps hurting you?
but isn't stupid to let go of something you have ever wanted?

i don't need you to send me gifts every single time.
i don't need you to spend money on me whenever i need you.
all i wanted is you to stay.
all i want is to feel loved by you.
is it really very hard?
am i too demanding?

I'm sorry I'll change.

how i wish you know how i felt.

how insecure i am, how much assurance i need, & how much i loved you.

all i want is to see you being happy.
even though i may not be part of it.
will you be happier without me?

I'm sorry i cant.

If it's meant to be, I'm sure the both of us will surely find our way back to each other again.

If not, let's just take it as a lesson learnt, & let God do the rest.

If we don't talk again, please remember I loved you, & i'll still do.

Thanks for being part of my life, your presence will always be remembered.


Bryana Huang