I seldom share about the things that happened in my life on the internet, or just not so on my blog.
Since school is reopening soon, I just feel that I should blog about this.
My life after secondary school, stepping into polytechnic, going to a class not knowing anyone.
At first, I thought I would adapt well to the change from secondary school to polytechnic, mixing well with new friends & starting afresh.
Afterall having only 2 guys in my class & more than 20 girls in class wouldn't affect me much since back in upper secondary school is pretty similar, only 7 guys in my class.
For those who do not know, I am currently studying Early Childhood Studies in Temasek Polytechnic, starting Sem 2.2 in a week's time. Got into the course through JPSAE, using my CCA, Girl Guides.
Not going to reveal how badly I scored for my O levels, but I scored so badly that I'm left with limited choices, so being able to get into a good course like ECS, is a once-in-a-lifetime miracle for me.
Going for orientation camp before Year 1 starts, hoping to know and mix well with others.
I'm a very awkward person to begin with, so it's really very hard for me to talk well & make new friends.
But it eventually I managed to make friends with some of them, but unfortunately, it didn't last long.
WHY?
To be honest, I don't know. Different course, school, the difference in our timetable/schedule, no common topics to talk about, I guess.
Besides that, I also made friends with some other people in school, but unfortunately, their intention of getting close to me isn't like what I expected. Mainly because of my high followers on social media, I often get such comments from my then-friends,
'Eh why you never tag me on Instagram' ;
'Eh hello Xiao Pops' ;
'Wah photoshoot leh must bring me next time okay'
This is just a few examples of the kind of things I used to hear from those whom I thought are my true friends, & slowly they just drifted apart from me after a while.
Before people start pointing fingers at me, I'm not referring to anyone in specific, but if you think the shoe fits, go ahead.
Well, I do not consider myself as a popular person, but just someone who is more active on social media instead of spending more time with people in real life.
At first, I didn't think much about what others say, or how they treated me as, but I guess time tells everything.
In class, subconsciously getting into a group of 11 girls on the 1st day of school, just simply because we all chosen to go to Mcd for lunch while the others choose for another location.
The best memory I had of this group of friends:
Screaming our heads off while running from Engine Block, Breadboard all the way back to HSS, which is like from one end to another end of the school, literally.
Also, having themed outfits for most of the school days & taking group pictures almost every day during our break/after school.
Eventually, the clique split up into 2 smaller groups, 5 Malays & 6 Chinese. I'm not trying to be racist but that's how things turned out to be since it's quite hard to accommodate everyone's food requests.
Guess it's a better choice too since I find it very tough to mix with some of them, probably because they have their own group of close friends inside the 11 people clique, & I always ran out of topics to talk about.
Eventually, due to some complicated issues that happened in the clique, one of us left the clique & was left with 5 ever since.
The clique is still around now, but I guess it's barely surviving, or maybe it's just me that's tired of it.
Before I continue, this is the one & only group of friends I have in school, besides a few constant friends since Secondary school, Gracia & Deslyn, which I seldom meet up with since we're from different schools in TP.
To be honest, I don't really care much now & hence decided to write about it. Whether they choose to stop hanging out with me after this or continue to be my true/fake friends, it's truly up to them.
It's not that I dislike them, but I just don't know where should I go after this.
After all, we been through quite a lot together in the past year, sort of, & they are the reason why I look forward going to school, doing projects together as a clique.
I don't know when did things started to go wrong, but I just felt really awful getting used constantly, that I have to share my lecture notes to someone who chooses not to listen in class, rather using the phone/doing other things. I know it's a silly thing to do, sharing notes with someone who doesn't deserve it, but what can I do? It's not that I didn't try rejecting it, I did. Why me out of the rest? Why can't you ask someone else? What did I get in return?
'Fuck you'
And what happens when I don't go with their plan of going according to their themed outfits?
'Eh segregation, later don't walk with her'
It happened so regularly that I no longer know whether they are saying it as a joke or are they treating me like a joke.
Sidetrack a little, my GPA is not that good.
I'm barely passing.
It's not that I'm lazy or what. Okay, probably I treated Poly too lightly at the start, only starting my assignments at the very last minute, even having to chiong overnight & going to school with zero hours of sleep. That happened once for my lesson plan in Sem 1.2, never again, I hope.
I don't know where's my mistake at, but I just don't get how despite starting on my assignment/revision earlier than my friends, I would score badly/worse than they did.
Is it because I'm not capable of scoring well? Or that I don't belong in this course at the first place?
I do not know the specific reason why but for the last month before Sem 2.1 ended, I just felt a strong urge of dislike towards the clique in general.
I don't know what spike off the dislike, but it just did.
Probably because of the issues happening in my personal life that I do not share with them about, that makes me feel really insecure about myself for a period of time.
There's this one specific day in August, I remember feeling really shitty about myself. I went to school with a heavy heart, & I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Since I realized that our morning class is canceled last minute, & that my friends are talking among themselves, excluding me in their conversation, I just felt so awful that I told them I'm going home, since I still have 5 hours before the next lesson, & I don't feel like staying in school.
They came up to me, surrounding me & kept questioning me why.
God knows what's wrong with me, but I just burst out crying in front of them.
Man, I don't know whether to feel relieved that I finally cried, or to feel even shitty about myself because I'm acting like a child, that I want to go home.
3 semesters had past & to be honest, this is the first time I'm so relieved that holidays are here, not only because I can escape away from my books for 2 months, but the fact that I can finally escape from my friends, my classmates, everyone that I don't wish to see.
I used to always worry about my friends meeting during holidays without me since the group chat is pretty dead, & the last time I see them was on the last day of exams.
Why don't you change the group of friends you mix with in class?
Saying is easy, but doing it is difficult.
My class currently have 5 cliques, & 1 girl roaming around herself since she left her group of friends, my clique.
I find it hard to mix with other classmates of mine, since all of them have their own group of friends, & all along I don't put in the effort to start a conversation with any of them.
I find it really hard to maintain a conversation with a person. It stresses me out as I do not know what to say, how do I continue from the topic we are talking about, whether there's anything in common to talk about.
To those who tried talking to me, yeah I'm pretty sure you experienced this before.
Unless you managed to keep the conversation going by being the one starting a topic one after another, without making me feel awkward, hardly.
To be honest, even with my own group of friends, secondary close friends or poly close friends, I find it really hard to continue a conversation when I'm with them individually, mainly because I do not know what to talk about.
I guess that's why some of the time, I prefer to be alone.
Well, I guess I'm just going to end this blog post here because I don't know how do I continue my words. My thoughts are just jumbled up in my mind & it's slowly going to suffocate me if I do not share it with someone, or in my case, blogging it.
A week to Sem 2.2, I no longer know what to expect but I'm just hoping for the best.
Bryana
