it hurts how,

different people have different perspective and views,

towards love.

teach me how to love you,

teach me how can i love you,

teach me how should i love you.

what is love to you?

everyone loves differently.

how they express themselves,

& how they choose to love someone.

& that's what hurts the most.

i don't understand this at all.

why am i feeling hurt for no reason?

-

all she wanted

all she wanted was to feel loved,

all she wanted was to spend time with you,

all she wanted was to love you.

but why did you choose to hurt her?

what had she done in order to deserve this?

is loving you something she shouldn't have done?

do you still remember back then?

when you made promises to her,

saying how will you love her no matter what,

& that you will never give up on her.

how does it feels without her in your life now?

are you happier now?

-

you don't understand.

please don't claim that you understand me,

when you weren't there when

i broke down and cry to sleep

at 2am.

don't claim that you understand me,

when all you think of is,

'oh she's just faking her sadness by retweeting shits on twitter'

don't claim that you understand me,

when you don't even bother.

don't claim that you understand me,

because even if i have a chance to,

no matter how much I try to explain myself,

telling you how i felt,

you will not understand.

so please,

don't tell me that you understand how i felt,

when you clearly don't.

you are not me.

you can't read what's on my mind,
neither can you know how i felt.

you don't know anything,

and you will never understand.

-

i hope you remember me,

i hope you remember us.

those times that we spent together,

learning new alphabets together,

doing new handicraft together,

playing together,

& being able to hear you share about the previous day,

being able to be by your side,

to see you learn,

to see you being able to talk better,

to see you grow.

the thought of

being able to see your faces,

makes waking up at 6am,
having to squeeze with the crowd,
& to reach work at 8am
something that i look forward to.

two months seem to be such a long period of time,

but how i wish,

i could have more time,

to spend with you.

i never thought

saying goodbye will be this hard.

i hope you're doing fine.

i miss you.

-

dedicated to N2 Agility

terrifying

it scares me how terrifying some people are.

nice to you,

but secretly,

they wished that you are dead.

they wished that you are dead,

they wished that you fail in life,

they wished that you don't exist.

it's terrifying how people get close to you,

not because of who you are,

but because of what you have.

it's so terrifying how some people can love others,

not because they love them,

not because they want them,

but because they want to ruin them.

and now im here,

wishing that i don't know any of this,

wishing that i remained silent,

wishing that i've never known you.

-

I'm afraid tomorrow will never come,
for me or for you. 
I'm afraid to be first, to hurt you,
but I'm afraid to be last, to be left alone.

I'm afraid that tomorrow you will not look at me the same,
I'm afraid I will not look at you either.

It's not like we don't love each other,
it's just that we feel too much,
listen too often, and hurt day after day.
I want to feel your grasp at my shirt,
holding me close and eyes on me,
but if I can't feel that,
I'd rather be dead.

-

march

hi guys! it's been awhile since i did a update so here it goes! :)

it's been 3 weeks since i got a new job, being a relief teacher in a kindergarten.

well, i have to admit, i've been happier ever since i started working there. 

nothing else really matters as long as you're happy right? 

waking up at 5am used to be a mission impossible for me.

but ever since i started work at the kindergarten, there's always something motivating me to wake up.

the innocent smile on the children's face.

even though waking up early for school is a struggle, it just makes me feel so happy that they're excited to go to school, to learn new things & to play with their friends.

' wa ahlian teacher sia '

' you sure you can teach them not or teach them bad things like colouring your hair'

etc

ever since i got into early childhood studies in temasek poly through jpsae, i'm already prepared to receive such comments by outsiders.

true enough, i've received all sorts of comments.

nasty messages on askfm, cursing me for getting into the course, telling me that i'll fail even when i get into poly, comparing me with those who got into the course using their o level results.

while on the other hand, i've also received encouraging notes & messages from anons on askfm & also some of my close friends, telling me not to give up & to start afresh when i starts school.

and lastly, thank God for having me back in church after 2-3 months :-)
.
.
.
.
.

fast forward, i started work on 15th february.

as i didn't really have any experience of communicating and teaching pre-schoolers, i struggled at the start.

PLEASE CALL ME MS HUANG EVERYONE.

it really sounds so awkward hearing someone calling you by your surname, very.

time flies & it's been 3 weeks since i started work. im glad that this job is such an eye opener & i've learn new things along with the children!

- patience is much needed.

well, in addition to having to look after 18 children in the class, 2 of them required special attention as they couldn't seat properly like the other children & to concentrate in class, communication problems as they have difficulties speaking whats on their mind (they tend to cry instead) & they couldn't feed themselves. thank God usually there's 2-4 teachers in the class, one of them is leaving next week & the other teacher only comes in during mother tongue so, goodluck to myself.

- toilet

i've never assisted a child in visiting the toilet, never once in 17 years.

throwback: on my first day of work, i accompanied a girl to the washroom and it's my first time doing that so i was pretty much clueless about it. her ass almost fell into the toilet bowl i swear it will be such a disaster if that really happened thank God it didn't & as the toilet floor is wet, her skorts got wet. didn't know that she could either change her skorts (if she brought extra pair) or borrow from the kindergarten itself.

conclusion of story: she went home with a big patch of pee / water on her skorts (woops!)

as i'm the youngest teacher in the centre, the pre-schoolers tend to be closer to me as our age gap is nearer = i don't mind playing around with them sometimes.

despite feeling exhausted after work, i love my job so much.

5 more weeks before i leave my job for poly.

 excited for poly to start, but not looking forward to leave my work place.

I've never expected 2016 to be like this, not at all.
I'm really thankful for everything that have happened for the past 2 months in 2016, looking forward for what God have for me this year!!!

Thanks for hanging around on my blog, glad to have you guys around. xx

Bryana Huang